When I read the article called “If Staying in LDS Church doesn’t
spark joy, its ok to leave” in the Salt Lake Tribune, it reminded me of my own
situation. It reminded me of what I have been going through to reach the point
where I find my self today. The article was written by Kate Kelly, the founder
of Ordain Women. Even thought she was excommunicated for her involvement with
Ordain Women, she still recommended people to stay in the church to make things
better. At the time, I was making the decision to leave the church. At the
time, I already had tried to stay in the church to make things better and
discovered this was not an option, at least not for me. I realized I was the minority
and things were not going to change just because I stayed in church.
Now, after being excommunicated for a while, Kelly has
changed her stance. Kelly has learned that staying in church is not the only
honorable option. I am happy that she finally realized this. Because it is exhausting
to stay and keep pushing for a change that never comes. I was tired, tired and
sick of it. I told myself I had to stay in the church because I believe the
church is true. I told myself if I didn’t stay in the church I was not going to
be saved. I was worried and I was afraid to leave the church. I had terrible
anxiety attacks. I cried and cried for months, alone. I felt unworthy for
wanting to leave. At the same time I felt I could not stay knowing first hand
that people in my ward were mistreated and racially profiled by my ward
leadership. I felt that by staying, I was tolerating and contributing to
members being abused by church leaders.
What was I going to do? Stay in a church where church
leaders/bullies got away with bullying and abuse, just because the church is
true? Stand up for what I believe and leave the church and lose my eternal
salvation? Attend church along with the bullies and try to change the church
from inside? Was change a real possibility? Endure anxiety and depression and attend
church with bullies? I asked myself many questions like this.
Finally, with the help of God and common sense, I found
answers to my questions. I realized that even if the church is true, I don’t
have to put up with church leaders who are bullies. I realized that just because
the church is true, I don’t have to stay in church and endure the anxiety. I realized
that my physical and emotional health should be my priority and not church
attendance. I realized that church leaders/bullies lose all the authority the
moment they abuse their authority, and therefore; I am not under any obligation
to support them or follow them anymore. I realized that people like this have
no power or authority over me or my personal salvation. I realized even though
there are good people in church, this is not a good reason to stay. (I can find
good people in any other church as well) I realized that going to church was
not a happy experience for me anymore. I wanted to stay in church because of my
beliefs, not because I was afraid to lose my salvation.
I gave myself permission to follow my heart. I
gave myself permission to stop attending church without feeling guilty. I
decided I was not going to be ashamed about my decision. I decided I was
not going to be a victim anymore and that I was going to take charge of my
life. I decided I was not going to let any church leader to have control over my
thoughts and actions. I decided I was going to speak up my mind with no fear of
excommunication. It was a long process but in the end it was worth it, because
now I am free. Now, I am happier. This is how I discovered the grass is always greener on the other side.
If you want to read The Salt Lake Tribune article by Kate Kelly, click
here: http://www.sltrib.com/opinion/2738628-155/kate-kelly-if-staying-in-lds
No comments:
Post a Comment