First, I
want to start by saying I wanted to use my real name and the names of all the
people involved, but I realized I could expose myself to a possible lawsuit
from the LDS church. Why? Because the
LDS Church takes care of their leadership’s image and reputation even if they
are bullies. The LDS Church has money, power and lawyers and I don’t have money
or lawyers, so here I am, with a story to tell but because of fear, I cannot
disclose any names until I move far away from Utah. I feel pathetic because I
am afraid of my church. Yes, because I am still a member. What kind of person
belongs to a church they fear? And what kind of church causes fear in their
members? Fear of excommunication? Fear of losing my job? Fear of losing friends
over church? Fear of being bullied by LDS leaders again? Fear of having my
reputation damaged? Yes.
This is a
short version of my story:
Back in October
19th 2012, Bob, the Elders Quorum President in our ward, waited for
my husband to arrive from work in the street. When my husband arrived home from
work, Bob approached him in the street and started yelling at him. Bob was irate
and rude. It was clear Bob came looking for a fight and that he was aggressive.
Rose, his wife, observed the situation from their car that was parked in the
middle of the road. Bob got in the car with her and they left. We were in shock
that a priesthood leader in our ward was so aggressive towards us, especially
since the man did not know us. We realized someone had given Bob false
information about us. We were even more upset when we realized that the only
people that had this information were the Relief Society President (Susan) and
her husband, because the information was about an HOA incident, and Susan and her
husband are in charge of the management company that works with the HOA in our
ward. One of those incidents involved a broken FENCE. Only the maintenance
company owners, Susan and her husband, knew about this fence, since they were
the ones that fixed it, one year earlier.
One month
after we were bullied in the street by Bob, we had a meeting at the bishop’s house
with Bob, Susan and their spouses to clarify these rumors and false
accusations. Susan and Bob did not want to talk about what happened at all. In
fact, Susan did all in her power to change the subject a few times, which made
things worse. Bob became aggressive again ad yelled at us again. We wanted to
know the truth and verify what we already knew but it was not possible because
Bob would not answer our questions. The bishop left the room because according
to him: ‘We were all so contentious’. I went looking for him but he would not
come back in the room. In the end, the bishop left his house. I suppose he did
this because he was afraid I would look for him again. Yes, the bishop was
afraid to be in the same room with all the people he chose himself to be
leaders in the ward, so one more time, we were yelled at not only by Bob but by
Susan’s husband and Bob’s wife as well, and our bishop did not move a finger to
put order. In that moment we realized that we were unprotected in this ward and
that we could not trust our local leaders. We realized these people could do
and say whatever they wanted with no consequences. These Mormon/ bullies/leaders
were untouchable. What can you do when you are bullied by your church leaders
and your bishop thinks bullying is solved just by talking to the bully? You file
a police report. That’s what we did. Otherwise we would have been unprotected
in church and in our own home. If you are ever bullied by Mormon leaders,
don’t expect the church to take your side or believe you. Don’t expect this
church to do what is right. Just file a police report and protect yourself and
your family because no one else will do it for you. If the bully was your
bishop or your stake president, don’t feel sorry for them. It is more important
that you are safe than your leader gets offended. I have learned this lesson
very well and I hope others can learn from my experience and be safe.
But the
story doesn’t end here. We were so naïve to think that if the local leaders
were bullies, the stake leaders would be different, so we contacted the stake
president in our area about this issue. Instead of releasing the bullies or
putting order, the stake president questioned everything we said. He did not
know us either but he was already taking sides with these bullies. He minimized
everything we said like the bullying did not happen or like he did not believed
us. He asked us to forget and forgive. The stake president said he will get in
touch with us after talking with these bullies, but 6 months went by and he
never contacted us again. At this point, tired of waiting, I contacted the area
leader. In my mind I thought the area leaders would be different than the local
and stake leaders. I expected the area leader to meet with us and release the
bullies. But the area leader would not answer my calls, e-mails or letters. The
area leader just sent me back to the stake leader who was siding with the
bullies. I learned that following church policy is more important than
helping people for LDS leaders. Unless you are popular like John Dehlin.
After months
trying to fix things with the area leader, I decided to send a letter to the
first presidency in Salt Lake City. I sent several letters that were answered
by their secretary and finally, after 2 years of trying to communicate with all
these leaders, we got a letter from the first presidency lawyer. The letter
said they were so sorry we were ‘troubled waters’, and that we were so upset
about ‘the broken fence.’
We were so
upset about this stupid letter. Were the leaders careless or stupid? We were
upset about being bullied in the street by church leadership, not about a
broken fence. Nothing was mentioned in the letter about bullying. They
talked about a broken fence that was fixed 1 year before Bob came to our home
to bully us. It was obvious they talked to Bob and he made up this lame excuse.
It was obvious the leaders believed Bob and did not make any attempt to contact
us to verify Bob was telling the truth. Why? Because Bob was a leader and we
were not. It was obvious the stake president transmitted this information to
the area leaders, including the first presidency and they all chose to believe
the stake president and Bob. At this point, we lost all trust and confidence in
all the church leadership. We realized it was a waste of time to expect any
justice or inspiration from any of these men. The only thing we could expect
from them was letters from their lawyers with wrong information on it.
Finally, we
sent pictures of the “fence” showing it was fixed and also sent e-mails showing
the request that was sent to repair the fence with the dates to prove the fence
had nothing to do with or complaint. However, the leadership in salt lake would
not answer any of our questions about this “convenient miscommunication.’ It
was not until I had a second interview with the stake president, almost three
years later, that the stake president acknowledged the information about the
fence was wrong. But he did this only after we sent the evidence by mail to the
LDS Church headquarters in Salt Lake. He had no other option. However, no one
never wanted to tell us who gave the LDS Church lawyer this information. The
stake president said he didn’t know either. It was obvious that the LDS church
and their leaders withheld this information from us on purpose to protect the
image of these bullies/leaders.
After this
terrible experience with LDS Church leaders, I realized that local leaders in
this area were a reflection of the leaders in Salt Lake City and of church
policies. They were not an isolated problem like I thought in the beginning. I
started questioning the LDS Church and their leaders. I started learning things
about the church that I didn’t know and I was able to see that the way the LDS
church handles problems like this one or any type of conflict, is pretty much
the same. It’s all about church policies that protect the church and the
leaders at the expense of regular members. I will explain this in future
comments. The way the LDS church handles conflict can be seen in all the church
dealings. It is more than church policies. It is part of LDS Church culture of
intimidation, bullying and concealing/twisting information to make the church
and bad leaders look good. Now, every day I learn little by little the truth
about my church. So far, what I have learned have influenced my decision to not
go to church anymore. I will share with everyone my discoveries and we’ll see
if I go back to church or I leave forever.
The Messenger
